Pilgrim's progress.

In our most recent post, we beat a horse to death.  It was bloody and controversial (Hi, Nancy! :)), but a necessary component in the healing process: "Enter grace."

A short recap before we move into more complicated (for me) territory:

Rules show us our weaknesses, and do nothing to strengthen us against temptation in the long run- unless, of course, we are perfectionists who thrive on the comfort of perfection-inducing rules, leading us to feel superior to mere mortals and to the utmost in self-deception, vanity, and hypocrisy upon breaking a precious rule.  (See empty carton of coconut ice cream for details).

For the most part, whether we admit it to others or not, our instinctual question ("How much can I get away with?") points to a base nature.  Seemingly despondent news.  That is, until we remember grace...

I've heard it said that the most wonderful human emotion is relief.  Our Lord is named many things in the Bible, one of which speaks so well into this mess of ours as we bounce between sloth and perfectionism: El Shaddai, the All Sufficient God.  He is enough!  His performance on our behalf is enough.  We don't have to earn ANYTHING.  Breathe again, let it out!  No performance anxiety required, He is perfect on our behalves!

And so we now enter the more confusing territory of making progress.  To work through an example here, let me first catch you up on my health status...

So, I pretty well underestimated this whole SIBO thing.  Small intestine bacterial overgrowth is not messing around.  Up until now, I have jotted notes here and there recording what I've eaten and how it's made me feel.  I've eaten healthily for the majority of my meals, lots of super greens and lovely fish. But I've also played games with my digestive system, "working the system" by making things move faster or slower as desired.  (There is more to it than that, of course, but we don't usually go into these specifics in polite company...).  This small amount of power gives me some comfort that I have control over my health.  Headed to a wedding?  Okay, eat from the following safe foods and take one of these OTC pills.  Ready to lose the bloat?  Coffee and running it is.  The problem is, it's a game.  It is always a temporary fix.  It doesn't equate to "healthy."

As I came to the depressing conclusion yesterday that I probably need another course of antibiotics, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:
THIS IS WAY, WAY, WAY TOO HARD!  I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T!!!!!!!!  NO, NO NO!!!!

I don't want to take cyclical courses of antibiotics.  I don't want to cut out all sorts of food groups forever. But you see, I is the problem.  Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of...umm...who was that again?  Starts with a J-E, I think.  Jen, right?

My dear friend Kristen shared a wonderful book with me called The Holiest of All by Andrew Murray. And in it I have found the most beautiful paradigm shift of all:

He (Jesus) was in danger, just as we are, of using the body for His own service or pleasure, a means of gratifying self.  But He never did this.  He was filled with one thought- "God prepared this body for Me; I have it for His disposal, for His service and glory; I hold it ready every moment to be a sacrifice to Him.  The body comes from God; it belongs to Him; it has no object of existence but to please Him.  The one value My body has is that I can give it as a sacrifice to God."

Oh, Jesus, thank You!  I needed to hear this.  Maybe it will remind someone else, too.  Pour Yourself out in Me, Lord, and in everyone reading.  There is none like You!  I love you so much.  I'm sorry for loving myself more than You.  Please help me to get my eyes off of myself, onto the depths of Your life and love instead.

More on progress in the days to come...

On breaking up with the horse.

Remember that post a few days back a really long time ago about me missing wheat and replacing it with much healthier options, like avocado pudding and goat cheese peppers?  Well, I should take my advice more often.

(Awkward confession alert).  I fell off the horse the other night, big time.  There was tiramisu involved, people!  And frosting, and chocolate, and a whole lot of wheat.  I neglected to flee.  I rationalized, enjoyed, and then...was sick the whole night and part of the morning.  Grrr... OFF. THE. HORSE.

The following day, I was fired up to get right back on.  A pear salad made an amazing on-the-horse lunch, and I was almost done being mad at myself; almost ready to take the blog world by storm with some "Check out these amazing food pictures" food pictures.

So, let's recap.  Off the horse?  Not good.  On the horse?  Good.

But this ride is a bumpy one.  "Shake out your boots and get back up again!" sure sounds like the right advice after a fall.  And still, it lacks any power to overcome the next great temptation.

So, I'm shooting the horse today.  No more horse.  This blog will not be a great work of inspiration to my fellow sick people perfectionists about how to cook the perfect winter squash frittata, nor will it be a cover-up for candy-corn binge behavior.

Performance is dead.

So, um...you're just not going to try?

Ha, you give me much too much credit!  Of course I'm going to try.  It's a terrible prognosis.

Here is what it looks like to "try":
Messed up?  Okay.  Must fix immediately.  Super strict for next meals.  Self-absorb and scale-step at regular intervals.   Determine a way to tie personal value to process.  Don't forget to be a little grumpy.

Wow.  That is so very, very not why Christ exchanged His life for mine.   But I don't even really know how to make myself stop.

It's as though I need a Savior...
Ah ha!

So let's talk strategy for a minute.  I have officially "liked" an obscene number of healthy-foodie pages.  ("Obscene" = "You haven't seen posts from your mother in a while, and you are pretty sure the government shut down because of a chia seed shortage.")  Facebook was quite dizzying before.  Now, it borders on cult-status.

I'm weighing this strategy still.  I really enjoy the feeling that others are in this, too, with sweeter attitudes and yummy ideas.  Encourage one another and build each other up is a favorite verse of mine.  But the power to obey a good strategy- and it sure does help to have a strategy, like reading healthy recipes and unfriending chocoholic blogs- does not seem to come from me.  AS. MUCH. AS. I. WANT. IT. TO.  I am so profoundly prideful!  Who doesn't love personal glory?  

Oh, dear...

You will occasionally run into the phrase, "transformed by grace."  I have been poring over the Scriptures (Romans 6-8) and an old classic, The Normal Christian Life, in hopes of gaining clarity on this one.

Earlier this afternoon I was entrenched in a performance-based blog draft, and I asked Elle, age 5, for her favorite thing about God.  Her beautiful response:

"If we sin a googleplex, He still loves us because He loves us forever and ever, infinity on top, infinity on bottom.  That's how much He loves us, even more than that.  Infinity is way more than a google."

How could I phrase it any better?

The antidote is dependence on Jesus, my biggest fan, the one who created me with a purpose, the one who makes me beautiful, my best friend.  The antidote is powerlessness, vulnerability, trust.  All those things we're socialized to be very scared of.  But I have to give up caring what people think, and do this with Him.  As I scarfed down some really unhealthy things the other night?  He interrupted my own thoughts to tell me He loves me.

True story.  

How has His love transformed your struggles?