On breaking up with the horse.

Remember that post a few days back a really long time ago about me missing wheat and replacing it with much healthier options, like avocado pudding and goat cheese peppers?  Well, I should take my advice more often.

(Awkward confession alert).  I fell off the horse the other night, big time.  There was tiramisu involved, people!  And frosting, and chocolate, and a whole lot of wheat.  I neglected to flee.  I rationalized, enjoyed, and then...was sick the whole night and part of the morning.  Grrr... OFF. THE. HORSE.

The following day, I was fired up to get right back on.  A pear salad made an amazing on-the-horse lunch, and I was almost done being mad at myself; almost ready to take the blog world by storm with some "Check out these amazing food pictures" food pictures.

So, let's recap.  Off the horse?  Not good.  On the horse?  Good.

But this ride is a bumpy one.  "Shake out your boots and get back up again!" sure sounds like the right advice after a fall.  And still, it lacks any power to overcome the next great temptation.

So, I'm shooting the horse today.  No more horse.  This blog will not be a great work of inspiration to my fellow sick people perfectionists about how to cook the perfect winter squash frittata, nor will it be a cover-up for candy-corn binge behavior.

Performance is dead.

So, um...you're just not going to try?

Ha, you give me much too much credit!  Of course I'm going to try.  It's a terrible prognosis.

Here is what it looks like to "try":
Messed up?  Okay.  Must fix immediately.  Super strict for next meals.  Self-absorb and scale-step at regular intervals.   Determine a way to tie personal value to process.  Don't forget to be a little grumpy.

Wow.  That is so very, very not why Christ exchanged His life for mine.   But I don't even really know how to make myself stop.

It's as though I need a Savior...
Ah ha!

So let's talk strategy for a minute.  I have officially "liked" an obscene number of healthy-foodie pages.  ("Obscene" = "You haven't seen posts from your mother in a while, and you are pretty sure the government shut down because of a chia seed shortage.")  Facebook was quite dizzying before.  Now, it borders on cult-status.

I'm weighing this strategy still.  I really enjoy the feeling that others are in this, too, with sweeter attitudes and yummy ideas.  Encourage one another and build each other up is a favorite verse of mine.  But the power to obey a good strategy- and it sure does help to have a strategy, like reading healthy recipes and unfriending chocoholic blogs- does not seem to come from me.  AS. MUCH. AS. I. WANT. IT. TO.  I am so profoundly prideful!  Who doesn't love personal glory?  

Oh, dear...

You will occasionally run into the phrase, "transformed by grace."  I have been poring over the Scriptures (Romans 6-8) and an old classic, The Normal Christian Life, in hopes of gaining clarity on this one.

Earlier this afternoon I was entrenched in a performance-based blog draft, and I asked Elle, age 5, for her favorite thing about God.  Her beautiful response:

"If we sin a googleplex, He still loves us because He loves us forever and ever, infinity on top, infinity on bottom.  That's how much He loves us, even more than that.  Infinity is way more than a google."

How could I phrase it any better?

The antidote is dependence on Jesus, my biggest fan, the one who created me with a purpose, the one who makes me beautiful, my best friend.  The antidote is powerlessness, vulnerability, trust.  All those things we're socialized to be very scared of.  But I have to give up caring what people think, and do this with Him.  As I scarfed down some really unhealthy things the other night?  He interrupted my own thoughts to tell me He loves me.

True story.  

How has His love transformed your struggles?